Good flirting tips for shy girls - by Jackie Burns

Former Wallflower Ellery C. – Give Yourself an Assignment

For Ellery, the hardest part of flirting with guys was that she “had no idea what [she] was doing.”

“Guys have it so easy. At least that’s how it looked to me. How do they do that? Me, I had no clue. I’m shy and quiet – which is hard – and I didn’t know how to flirt. I was so afraid that my flirting came across as either desperate or awkward or both. I’m pretty sure it did, too. My own inability to even talk to a guy ended in rejection – making it even harder to try again.”

So what is a shy girl like Ellery supposed to do? If you can’t practice, how can you learn? Ellery was so afraid of being rejected or feeling foolish that she couldn’t even begin. The turning point for Ellery came when a friend of her’s told her that it’s not “personal.” Ellery was blown away. For her it had always been personal. Isn’t flirting, dating, and connecting personal?

“My friend was so blunt about it. ‘Ellery, just treat like an experiment and forget the outcome. You know, it doesn’t have to be so personal every time. Just decide to do it and then make yourself do it.’ Wow, what a concept!”

Good Flirting Tips #3: Forget that it’s Personal – Make it your Homework!

So Ellery gave it a try. Instead of resting her heart on every flirting or social situation, she made it more like homework. Every week, she had to do something social. And when there, she had to talk to at least two guys – like doing research. She turned flirting with guys into a science experiment. When she let go of her intense personal investment (and setup for disappointment) she found that talking to guys was not so hard. In fact, treating it this way, she tried out different styles of flirting.

“Give yourself an assignment and do it – no excuses. I found that having a friend who I checked in with (my teacher?) really helped. ‘Ellery, did you talk to two guys at the party?’ It was silly at first, but it kept me doing it. And the more I did it, the easier it was – and more natural – and….better received by guys.”

Ellery found that the more she did this, the easier it was. She didn’t just pick random guys to say hi to but guys she wanted to get to know. The best part of her story comes when she decided to add “variables” to her experiment.

“So once I got the hang of it and was in the habit of actually talking to guys and looking at them, I threw in some wild cards – get a phone number, touch a shoulder, giggle at an unfunny joke, a hug goodbye, a kiss. It got really fun and since I was not invested in the outcome, it wasn’t hard. And I learned that this is what all the guys and confident girls were doing – trying each other on. If you don’t fit, it really isn’t personal.”

When did the homework stop being work? That was an easy one for Ellery. It was the night she took the work home.

Former Wallflower Judy A. – Find Your Zone!

Judy does not do bars. Or clubs. Or weddings. Or parties. That did not leave Judy, an incredibly shy girl to start, with a lot of choices.

“I hated those overly social set-ups. Flirting was hard for me, and I am not comfortable in those settings which just made it worse.”

This is the number one battle that shy girls fight. Flirting feels awkward and most situations that call for flirting are not a good match for shy girls – they’re crowded, noisy, and everyone else is there for one thing – flirting! The shy girl doesn’t stand a chance. And Judy knew it so she stopped going and stopped trying so hard. She couldn’t swish her hips and throw her head back in a sexy way when she laughed. She didn’t drink coyly from a glass. And, frankly, she didn’t want to.

“My idea of flirting was a quiet conversation in quiet place where you stand close because you want to not because there is no room. I want to hear the guy’s voice not loud music. I want to be able to smell his cologne or shampoo or dryer sheet or whatever – not the beer and cigarettes from two nights ago. I want to flirt because I’m drawn to him – not because we’re desperately single at a wedding. I want my strange foot shuffle when I talk to feel like the dancing I mean it to be. I want the radiance of my half smile to be seen. I want it to be so quiet that we can both actually hear the pull of our bodies coming together. God – that’s flirting.”

After talking the Judy, I couldn’t agree more, and she had figured that out by the time she met me. If she didn’t want to flirt where, when, and how others told her, she didn’t have to. She didn’t fit in that role.

Good Flirting Tips #4: Don’t Force It!

There is no rule that you can only flirt in a bar. Nowhere is it written that only awkward flirting counts. So go the places that make YOU comfortable. If you are in your comfort zone, any uncomfortable situation will feel better right away. Ellery found it easier to meet men in bookstores because that is what she knows and loves best. Her confidence was stronger and she could be herself. And all of the little things that felt like flirting to her, felt like flirting to the guys who went where she did.

Former Wallflower Erin B. – Fake It Till You Make It!

We all know those gals out there – they are just dripping with confidence, style, and sex appeal. Guys are drawn to them like magnets. It really can make a wallflower want to actually disappear right into the wall. How do those girls do it? In truth, they don’t. Erin found out that it’s not that hard to be that girl.

“I was a wallflower to the extreme – like Sarah Jessica Parker from ‘Square Pegs,’ and I wanted to be Sarah Jessica Parker from ‘Sex and the City.’ So I did it. No, I didn’t really change who I was – I didn’t want to do that. But I bought the clothes, the makeup, and definitely the shoes and I headed out to the clubs.”

Good Flirting Tips #5: Strut Your Stuff!

“It was not me; I knew that. But it was fun. A lot of fun. It was like being a character on a T.V. show. I got to try out all of the things that the other girls did without feeling trapped by my own self-consciousness. After all, I was Carrie Bradshaw. Well, not exactly, but here’s what I learned.1. Eye contact is easy if you practice.2. It is not suspicious if you ‘accidentally’ bump into a guy.3. Faking a sexy walk looks the same to a guy as a real sexy walk4. Fake voices or accents are not good (don’t ask)5. Dancing is as fun as it looks and not as hard as it looks6. It really has nothing to do with what you are wearing but how you wear it (how clichéd, yikes, but true)7. Sexy was fun, but not me. So I took off the costume, took the confidence I gained and went to a club as me – I rubbed shoulders, made eye contact, and danced with strangers – and I think I looked damn good doing it!”

For a lot of girls pretending to flirt is the best step to actually flirting because – guess what – it’s the same thing. Erin is still no party girl. She is not a social butterfly, but you’d better believe she can get a guy’s attention. And keep it.

The last piece of advice I will give you shy girls, is the one I learned myself. There is always a moment to connect with a guys. Always a chance for flirtation. Be ready for that moment. And when it comes, let yourself stay in it. Who knows who you’ll find?

So there you have it girls! Peel yourselves off of the wall and get out the door. Flirting with guys is not something to be afraid of. Try one of the good flirting tips above. Try them all. Let’s bring flirtation back to what it once was. Not some dreaded social performance with winners and losers. Flirting – the quiet, shy dance between a guy and girl waiting and wanting more. Face it shy girls – this dance was made for you!

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